Does this blog make me selfish?

Someone who I love dearly asked me why I want to “tell the world” about my issues… Hmmm… An excerpt from my journal:

My Passion

My passion is to use my weaknesses
to instill strength and hope in others.
I want to use my weaknesses as
a reason for someone to find strength.
I want to encourage and relate.
Without faith in ourselves and in each other,
where would the world leave us? Alone.
No one is alone; no one is lost on their own.
My goal is to guide and inspire, and
to instill faith and confidence in those
who suffer from what I suffered from.
I really deep down believe I am meant to make a difference in regards to all this. At the same time, her comment made me think. Hmmm, maybe this is semi-selfish. Maybe I am doing this just for me. I feel the need to get ‘this’ out; somewhere, anywhere. Anywhere but within the words I silently, or sometimes softly-aloud, speak to myself; words I sometimes scream to myself.

So far, I think this IS for my own good. I mean, how long can you go talking to yourself so much that you consider the chance your sanity may be fading, and sooner rather than later. Maybe I am still talking to myself, just ‘on paper’. I don’t know if anyone reads this. But, maybe, just maybe, someone will. Someone who needs desperately to relate; to know that there are other people out there that feel and experience what they do.

Wherever you are, I invite you to relate. It’s real, I know. And, no, whoever you are, you are not crazy. You’re not.

She’s scared of a food tasting  

Today, I have a food tasting at 1pm. It’s for the new restaurant I am starting to bartend at this week. I am scared to go and feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. All these rich, fattening foods are going to be displayed and I am am suppossed to taste all of the dishes. This means I am going to eat too much. I am going to try to be “good”. I did cardio at the gym this morning; I may have to do more cardio later to feel okay about the calories I am about to consume. Let’s see how it goes…

What “Eating to Live, Not the Alternative” means to Her

Eating to live makes sense, right? You need the nutrients and nourishment from good foods to live a healthy life. You must eat to live.

Living to eat, that’s the opposite; the unhealthy. If you are someone that lives to eat, then you can probably relate to her. When she eats, it is not always to ridherself of hunger pains. No. Much more often, she eats to rid herself from emotional pains; emotional pains that she can’t seem to just shake off, emotional pains that leave her feeling empty…emotionally empty. When she gets these unshakable emotional pains, she turns to her easy-to-find source of comfort and fulfillment. She turns to food. The problem with trying to fill yourself, your soul, your heart with food…it doesn’t work. And, it never will. She already knew that,she’s known that for years now. Yet, she still gets caught up and let down, way down.

More poetry from a disordered eater

She wrote this poem in a very bad state and was having an extremely bad day at this point… Music has always been a savior to me, to her…

Music Saves Her Soul

A darkness thick as soot overwhelms her eyes
She is lost in a place where sight is invalid
With her body brittle and numb, she sits alone
Her faith is broken and her soul is fragile
Her breathes are due only to innate necessity
Feeling like a puzzle of too many scattered pieces
She fades into a silent trance, a self-induced coma
Conviction for recovery bears minimal guarantee
She searches for an escape route through melody
Reaching for play took all that she’s got
She soon gains subtle assurance within its sound
With a firm-clench in both fists and jaw
Her body begins to rock slightly; backwards, forwards
Her muscles flex as she bounces slightly staccato
Her eyes are closed, but upward she stares
The music, its moving through her saving her soul
This prayer within song tells her endure and tell Him
With the faintest murmur, she follows this lyrical lead
“It’ll be alright”, “It’ll be alright” and she believes

(partly inspired by Lauryn Hill’s “Tell Him”)

It will be alright…it will. Nothing lasts forever. Weight is not permanent. Changes CAN happen. Every day IS a NEW day. So, relax. It’ll be alright, I promise…