Recovery is not a perfect road…

This blog was written on July 31, 2012 & speaking of Sunday July 29th 2012. I previously posted this blog, but then deleted it when it caused an unpaid practicum employment spot to be taken from me. I decided maybe it was better to delete it and avoid disclosing my imperfect road due to the consequences I experienced. However, I don’t agree with the deletion of the blog. I agree and support everything I wrote in this blog and I stand strong by it. Hence, this re-posting…



I have to come clean…

Sunday night, I became unclean…

I have been (had been) clean from Mia (bulimia) for almost a year and a half, until this past Sunday night…

I have been eating carelessly lately. And, I have gained a couple pounds. Gaining a couple pounds by eating too much dessert isn’t what has made me unclean.

Sunday I went to the store to buy a couple dresses and flowing shirts so I could “hide” and “mask” and be okay with the couple pounds I have gained. I was okay with it. I found a couple super cute things and I settled for buying the mediums; I actually felt pretty okay about it.. more okay about it than I thought I would.

I came home and ate a big salad for dinner. I felt okay about that, too. Then I remembered I had some red velvet cake ice cream made by the one and only Ben and Jerry’s in my freezer. I thought about the ice cream for a while before I ate it…

I thought about the night before when I ate 1/3 of the carton. To be duly noted is that before I ate that 1/3 carton of the pint of Ben and Jerry’s, I had dinner at Blue Martini. I had martinis at Blue Martini, too. I was there a while and got home at about 10:00pm. Before I got home, I stopped at a gas station next to my place. I got a bottle of wine, a clif bar – white chocolate chip, my fave, and as soon as I spotted the red velvet cake Ben and Jerry’s, I had to get it.

Recently, a co-worker of mine raved about this ice cream. He and I both have professed our love for red velvet cake! Yum! When he mentioned the ice cream and how delicious it was, I had to get it when I saw it at the gas station.

I got home and decided to just open the wine. I spoke to my fiancé who reassured me that my gaining a couple pounds was A-okay and said I was beautiful. It had been a couple hours since I had the Blue Martini meal, and for some reason, I decided that, YEAH! Its okay if I gain a couple pounds – I will eat!

So, I didn’t start with either thing I bought. I warmed up a lean cuisine I had in the freezer. It was about 10:45pm at this point, and I wasn’t really hungry. Then I had the clif bar… then I had 1/3 of the ice cream… I was all fired up about being fine, just the way I am… I didn’t care.

Then I woke up the next morning – disappointed, feeling guilty, ughh…

I was going to do better today. I decided that, and then I stood up. My head pounded with the martini + wine induced headache I had. There went the spin-class plans I had… not a great start to my “being good” day. I ran some errands eventually. I finished my LAST assignment of the school semester (thank goodness). I ate dinner – another lean cuisine. That lean cuisine filled me up…-said no one ever… I had a bowl of soup, too.

Now we get back to the point at the beginning of this post: “Then I remembered I had some red velvet cake ice cream made by the one and only Ben & Jerry’s in my freezer. I thought about the ice cream for a while before I ate it…”

I actually didn’t really like the ice cream. It wasn’t that good, at all. I love red velvet cake. I love Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, but that ice cream was just, ehhh… not impressed.

The point – I didn’t even want it. I had thoughts of bringing it into work and giving it to my co-worker who said he loved it. I didn’t want to eat it. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I just took one bite and put it back. And then I took another bite and put it back. And then I put the rest in a bowl and finished it. The whole time, I still thought “I don’t even like this”.

I finished the pint. For the first time in almost a year and a half, I thought [shethought]: Get rid of it. NOW.

I paced. I walked. I told myself not to. I think I may have even laughed. I reminded myself how long it had been since I haven’t. I reminded myself of my #1 ground rule – never, ever again. Ever…

I did it.

I did it and I stared at the toilet. I stared blankly at the red velvet mess I made in the toilet. She was there. She did it – she got rid of it.

I flushed and I walked away without her...

I vowed to myself to never, ever do that again. But, you know what, I had a little accident. I had a momentary set back. I did it…

Just because I did it that night did not mean I had to go back to her; it didn’t mean she had to come back to me. Just because I tripped up did not mean I had to make a slow motion fall to my face. I caught myself, I regained my balance, I planted my feet, I wiped my face and lifted my head, and I walked away.

Just because she came back does NOT mean she will take over. I am too strong for her now. And that I will NEVER forget.

I am too strong for you, Mia. Nice try. You lose. I win.

Obesity in America

Have you ever considered the word “Obesity” as a word that should be categorized with HIV/AIDS, the Bubonic Plague, Malaria, Polio, Hepatitis B, SARS, smallpox, measles, cholera…..?

Well, the words aforementioned are all notable epidemics, if you didn’t catch on. And, if you haven’t caught on that OBESITY is joining that crowd of deadly epidemiological threats, you should probably “listen up”.





Now, most of you who read this blog know that I am not an advocate for weight loss as much as I am an advocate for healthy body image and the prevention of eating disorders. However, these statistics are alarming and duly notable. If you are obese, I am going to assume you may have trouble with healthy body image. I am also going to assume you may have trouble with things such as anxiety, depression, physical health, interpersonal relationships, etc. By posting this information, I am not suggesting that all Americans need to strive for a specific runway model size. No, not at all. What I am suggesting and more so urging is that Americans take control of what they have control over: their overall health and wellbeing.

Because we are a society that thrives on and lives by a code of instant gratification, we want what we want when we want it and WE WANT IT NOW. We don’t have time, nor make the time, to be mindful of what we fuel our bodies with. We take out, we microwave, we eat junk and we eat it on the run, and we order out of fast food windows. Often times, we don’t marinate and we don’t buy fresh. When we do, we still eat way too fast for our taste buds and our stomachs to enjoy what we’ve treated them with. We just overstimulate and overstuff and we don’t even take the time to like the foods we think are so comforting and satisfying, i.e. whoppers and tacos… yuck! I dare you to eat a whopper really, really slowwwww and I dare you to NOT taste the 5 day old, stale grease that disgustingly coats the roof of your mouth and your tongue. Bleh…

America, we are a fast-paced, instant gratification seeking society. And we are beginning to be a seriously obese one at that. 

Did you know that by 2030, 42% of Americans are projected to be diagnosable as obese with countless others being diagnosed as MORBIDLY obese? 

I’m not suggesting we all starve ourselves and become super models, ok? I am instead strongly encouraging everyone to realize the follow statement: