I wish someone would have told me to watch out. I wish someone would have begged me and warned me. I wish someone could have warned me to watch out for what she had in store for me next.
I made another. I ate another. Then, I made a third. The third was not pre-meditated by rationalization. The third wasn’t pre-meditated by anything except for her. In fact, I didn’t make the third one, she did. And, she ate that third pancake. She ate that third one anxiously and she ate it quickly. She ate it so quickly that if anyone saw her eating it this way, they might have thought I was starved or that I was scared someone might take it from me. I ate that pancake so quickly that if anyone saw her eating it in MY body this way, I would have been devastatingly embarrassed.
I had lost control.
This was my first completely out of control binge. To me, it was like an out of body experience. To her, it was home. She made a home in me and my mind. For 8 long years, she would reside here mostly in control leaving ME mostly out of control.
An addict abnormal in notion
Her mind has got a mind of its own
She won. Her mind and her notions won. I vomited. I stuck my finger down my throat and I made myself vomit for as long as I could. My life changed on this today in 2003. For years, 8. long. years. I would never be the same. I would no longer be the same because I was no longer just me. I was me and I was her. But for now, she had taken over. She won.
The binge continued with my roommates powdered sugar donuts and other things that I wouldn’t and hadn’t eaten in months and/or in years. Any foods I saw that I had been restricting myself from in that pantry my roommate and I shared were eaten. They were eaten standing up and swiftly. I never made a plate, I never sat down. I just binged…she made me. The binge continued and so did the self-induced purging.
For 8 long years, she sometimes often, sometimes sporadically maintainedher control. But now, she is gone. Looking back at this day, I wonder how I could have changed it… I wonder how I could have recognized her and what she had in store for me. I wonder how it all could have been different.
Well, as I sit here and write this post, I am smiling. I am smiling, not because I suffered, but because I know this suffering. I know this binge-and-purge suffering first hand and well. Now-a-days, in the peace that I have found inside of me and away from her, I am thankful for the above disclosure. I am thankful and I am proud. I am proud of where I have came from and I am thankful for where I am going.
Watch out, Jessica… ?
Watch out world, is more like it!